P.S while I'll be mostly aimless, one of my goals is to make it the west coast and see the pacific ocean. I'll still be taking my phone with me, but I hope not to use it too much. I will be using it though to finish my analysis of Vasistha's Yoga; it truly is a treasure to lone cultivators...

I have the feeling I'll be completely fine if I travel. I understand how to manifest whatever I desire, and my soul is practically screaming for me to go on this adventure.

I should also mention that life will still be waiting for me if this doesn't turn out well.

By some odd luck already, the medical professional who was supposed to fill out my paperwork for me to return to college in fall suddenly decided not to; leaving me free to come back to that same elite college whenever I wish (Could be the spring, next year, 10 years from now... doesn't matter). My financial aid won't be going away with that time either, due to college policy, and it seems the small amount of loan I have won't require payment for a while due to the corona virus. A lot of states are lifting their quarantine, while I had already likely gotten corona virus when it first arrived, meaning it won't be as dangerous for me to catch. I'm worried about spreading it to others though in my travel, if some part of me becomes contaminated, but otherwise: This honestly seems like the best time for me to do this.

                          HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAVEED ! ! ! 

I can't believe you're only 20!  Your insights are fabulous for one so young.  You remind me of my nephew - the awareness at such a young age.  How wonderful that Awareness is seen as a thing of value by your generation - maybe it was just the circles I ran in, but Awareness was the absolute last thing we were concerned about.

I think your meandering idea is a great one.  I met a young woman once, a Russian lady named Natasha.  I met her at a campground.  She was walking her dog, she had shaved her head, and she was wearing very soft flowing white clothing.  She identified as a Buddhist.  We became friends instantly.

She was doing what she called a 'Buckminster', referring to Buckminster Fuller - who apparently 'found' his answers in a quest much like you describe that you want to do.  This period of wandering created a full blown spiritual experience (I think it was in 1929) that changed his life forever.  This is what Natasha was doing.  Buckminster went on to become a lecturer, scientist, had much to do with the geodesic dome design.

Well, Natasha loved the campground, and decided to buy a membership and live there.  She bought the membership for several thousand dollars.

The next morning she had buyer's remorse.  I went over for a cup of coffee and she was crying.  She realized that she was being untrue to her original intent by buying a membership in the campground.  That would be contrary to what she really wanted to do, which was just to wander and let life take her where it may.  So she asked me if I could help her get out of the contract.

I told her no, that I wouldn't put myself in the middle like that.  But what I would do is teach her wu-wei.  I saw that Martin, the salesman for the park, was exiting his cabin, he had something in his hand.  His cabin was a couple hundred feet away, downslope; I couldn't see what he was holding.  But I did have a "feeling"

I told her, "The next time you see Martin, do nothing.  Let him do all the talking"

Strangely enough, Martin walked up the hill to where her cabin was.  The door was open and he leaned through the door.  She said nothing, he did the talking.  "I'm so sorry to tell you, I couldn't get the deal we agreed on, so I have to give your check back."  And he handed it to her, she was speechless, and he left.  And now she had a new utensil with which to navigate.  Wu-wei.

So I guess it doesn't really matter what form the excursion takes.  There used to be a really intelligent woman who wrote a newspaper column and was distributed pretty much nationwide.  She was a person you would just send a question to, and she'd answer it.  I think her name was Marilyn Savant or something like that.  One person wrote in and asked "What's the very best way to get to know myself?"  Her answer was "Go to a foreign country where you don't speak the language and travel alone."  

I actually ran into a young woman in China who was doing exactly that!  She was traveling alone in a country where she understood not one word.  We talked for a while.  She seemed so self-assured, so confident, so beautiful, really.  And I would put her in her early 20's.  We talked for quite a while - she was so incredibly interesting.

Can you find a good reason for not doing what you want to do?  They are probably just fears, in the final analysis.

I say, Go For It.  And keep in touch with us as you do it - now, that would be fun, and a wonderful way for you to process everything.  You'd be 'alone', but still in touch with those that 'get you'.  Not a lot of people 'get us', in case you haven't noticed by now. ? 

Allowed?

It may be a very good thing that you're taking off on a Buckminster.

If you get out Southern California way, do know that you've got a friend in Palm Springs.

Wow Naveed... Fantastic stuff!

Sounds like the toothepaste is out of the tube mate!  Congratulations!... and Condolences. 

Congratulations on being utterly unable to be satisfied by the inherent emptiness of the material pursuit and society's shinannegans.  And condolences, for it is no easy path to be 'outside the norm'.  As you intimated, family, friends, will likely wonder where they went wrong, try to cajole you and convince you that you are 'broken' and try to find out why you 'can't fit into the system' anymore.  Let them... it's love.  They perceive life from the other side of the fish bowl and so to them, your world seems distorted and strange.  It's only natural.  Return their love and let any scorn roll away to its natural resting place.

You have the anchor of the universe in you mate.  It's calling your compass and you have the irretrievably amazing gift of being able to sense this... many go their entire life, never hearing the call.

As you say, you may always return... though I've found, even in my returnings, I never seem to return to the same place, or as the same man, as i left... this it turns out, is wonderous.

If you make it to Southern Cali... my family and I live a few miles from the beach.  Please reach out.

Ha I finally get what you mean. It really is strange for parents to ‘allow’ a 20 year old. 

but hmm, I decided not do it. I kept having doubts and felt nervous about it all and I finally realized why. It wasn’t because I was worried about others looking down on me, or living on the road. Rather, it was because I was trying to run away from myself. I thought that by leaving I would simply cultivate the path to a sage and that there would be no entertainment/sense pleasures for me to forget the seeds dispassion.

Yet, while doing so I couldn’t be content at home. I was trying to use leaving home as an excuse to force myself to change and jump over hurdles I knew weren’t going to disappear if I ever came back. So instead I will be wholeheartedly cultivating myself at home.

i will still be leaving at some point. Maybe months from now or sooner. But first I will wholeheartedly cultivate and deepen my conviction of unreality and dispassion. While doing so, I will also seek to master self control, enquiry, and contentment. When I have thoroughly developed each of those, then I will leave home and seek the last: good company, mainly a master.

For now though, I’ll be entering seclusion and be tempering myself, so I won’t be seeing you guys for a while. Suffice to say there isn’t much good/sagely company in the friends I have or the people I’m around, so seclusion seems like the best bet.

P.S: I’ll visit this post again at some point when it is time for me to actually leave, but that is not now; I still have things to work on first.

I was a little surprised that you were leaving 'right now'.

 I'm guessing maybe your original overwhelming desire was as a result of a dust-up with someone?  The need seemed immediate.  That would be 'running away from home'.  But your cooler head has prevailed.

Your attitude now seems perfect.  You see the possibility of doing it, but not as a runaway thing.  You're right - give some thought to it and see what it is that you are seeking.  I'll bet, in the end, it's peace of heart, although you may not experience that for a while.  You still have the gearing up of a career, maybe family, kids.  Not always conducive to a peaceful heart.

Your wisdom of 'running away from yourself' is awesome.  Yes, in this case, it would only defer your enlightenment.  It would be a distraction to finding out who you really are.  At this point, you could easily use your frustration, anger, or irritation to figure out what's at the bottom of it.  That's mining the real gold.  Everyday life gives us all the clues to undo the previous conditioning.

Please feel free to PM me or discuss anything here - this is what I do.  I deal with personality dynamics in folks so that they can find the original incident or situation, and then assist them in alleviating the blockage, which manifests in unwanted behaviors today.  It's not difficult at all to find these past events; sometimes a snippet of a memory will come up during a time of strife - a quick flash of a memory involving mom, dad, a brother (or in your case, 4!) that started the tendency to act out a little differently.  In my case, it was the first time my father hit me with a belt, I was probably 5 at the time.  That's one snippet.  And then there's another snippet where my dad went to hold my hand as we were walking somewhere, and I yanked my hand away from his - no doubt as a result of the way he was belting me.  This of course infuriated him, and the cycle went on and on.  This resulted in severe rebellion issues, which I have successfully eliminated 95% of.  The remaining 5% works against me when engaged.  There's still a bit of work to be done on that.  

It's just a question of recognizing the dynamic.  Once recognized (accompanied by an earnest desire to change one's manifestations, which is what this is really all about), it will happen of its own volition.  Oftentimes forgiveness of another may be involved.  And realizing that folks bring their kids up just the same way they were brought up (unless they make the 'woke' decision not to do so - but how often do we actually meet people like that?).

We're all victims of victims.  Until we decide we don't want to be a victim anymore.  At that point, we need to go inside ourselves to make the changes that will produce different manifestations.

I'm wondering if 'reading' some Buckminster Fuller might not have something for you.  I've never read him, but my Buddhist friend was certainly taken with his writings.  Damn.  I wish I had taken down her phone number.  What a beautiful, spiritual creature she was.  But sometimes just the fleeting encounter with another is all it's supposed to be - just a fleeting encounter that sort of changed both of our lives.

Love you!

Sounds like you long to go Viking.

The term Viking is misused today.  It was never a name for a people, the people were Norse.  Viking is a verb for what Norse people did.

They went out Viking... it means to go exploring.  And it can be done externally or internally, each without end it seems.

I'm heartened to hear you listening to your inner guide and heeding your path and your voice.

I've had some absolutely heartening encounters with several folks in their tweens who, like you, are capable and willing to hear and follow their inner voice and have some inkling of where their inner compass is pointing.

Cheers and respect mate!

You're so willing to look at yourself, it won't be as hard as you think.  Most people aren't willing at all - they will live their entire lives a prisoner of their earlier conditioning.  You're way ahead of the game.

@silent thunder  - have you mentioned before that you're a keyboardist and I just missed it?  What kind of music? (You've probably already told me and I have forgotten).